GOODBYE, EURO; HELLO, FRANCS AND MARKS

Mademoiselle Missie Mondieu, mistress to French President Jacques Chirac, and Fraulein Gerde Glitzkreig, mistress to German Chancellor Helmut Schroeder, are lunching in Paris while their paramours are hard at work on the future of Europe.

"Things are really frantic for Jacques, Gerde. He can hardly get it up these days."

"You think you have it bad? Helmut is in such a funk, putting on weight, he can't even find it any more."

"What's wrong with our men, Gerde? Jacques used to be quite studly, as the Americans like to put it."

"I think it’s all this trouble with the Constitution, Missie. Helmut says you French are probably going to vote non on ratification."

"Who cares about a silly old Constitution?"

"Missie, you should pay more attention. If the French reject the Constitution, it could bring down Jacques' grand plan to create a powerful Europe led by France and Germany."

"Who cares about a powerful Europe? Jacques and Paris are all the Europe I need."

"Jacques and Helmut care. Our men care. They have great ambitions to neutralize the Americans by creating a powerful Europe. Haven't you been listening when Jacques makes speeches about a 'multi-polar' world?"

"I thought he was talking about mental health and.....":

"Missie, that's bi-polar, not multi-polar. Besides, there's a lot of trouble brewing for the European Union even if France votes for the Constitution."

"Gerde, you are filling my head with bad things. Can't we talk about something pleasant, like the new fashions from Dior?"

"The bad things I am talking about are the very things that could get both our lovers kicked out of office. No political jobs, no lush expense accounts. Then where would we be? Certainly not at a Dior fashion show."

"All right, Gerde. Ruin my lunch if you must. What troubles?"

"Well, you know our common market was started in 1992 and the Euro was created in 1999 and ....."

"Well, everyone knows that, Gerde."

"Well, in order to get those things through, all the politicians promised the people that prosperity would be the result."

"Well, aren't we prosperous?"

"Missie, you and I are, but the little people are not. The unemployment rate in the twelve European Union countries is nearly nine percent and nobody is growing very fast."

"Oh, Gerde, that's just some of the backward countries. France is doing beautifully. The Spring fashions are gorgeous this year."

"Missie, wake up! France is worse than the averages and so is Germany. We are both over ten percent in unemployment. The masses are restive."

"Gerde, you worry too much. Things will get better."

"Missie you are living with your head in your lingerie. Things are getting worse and people are beginning to realize that there are things in the European Union that are hurting ordinary people."

"Jacques and Helmut came up with something that hurts people?"

"The European Union forces Germany to maintain high interest rates because of our high productivity. We would like to lower interest rates like the Americans to stimulate our economy, but we are not allowed to do so. So our stagnant domestic economy is holding us back even though our exports are booming."

"Gerde, that's terrible. I would just break the rules."

"Missie, you can only do that so many times. When Germany and France ran bigger deficits than the three percent rules allow, our men got together and changed the rules with so many American-like loopholes that they all but destroyed the ability of the EU to enforce fiscal discipline."

"Who likes fiscal discipline? When Jacques tells me I have to budget better, all it does is make me so angry I become frigid."

"Now the EU wants to go after Italy because that crazy Berlusconi wants to lower taxes in order to get reelected, but Brussels may not be successful because Germany and France have virtually abandoned fiscal discipline."

"Berusconi? Silvio? He's cute. I'll bet he doesn't have any trouble getting it up."

"Missie, he is having great difficulty getting one thing up -- the Italian economy. It's really in a deep hole. Helmut says it has lost all competitiveness."

"Oh who cares about Italy?"

"Missie, it isn't just Italy. Spain, Portugal, Greece and Ireland are in competitive difficulties. They’ll all want to stimulate their economy by lowering interest rates and running big deficits."

"So? The Americans are running big deficits and everybody is happy over there."

"Missie, America is one country. It can do as it pleases. But the European Union is twelve countries and if everyone starts to do as they please with budgets, deficits and interest rates, the whole thing could blow apart."

"Blow apart?"

"Yes, Missie. Explode, with countries turning on each other."

"Heavens. Do you mean war?"

"Economic war. Helmut calls it economic nationalism. It would probably be the end of the Euro. And the end of Jacques's grand dream for Europe."

"You mean I could be spending francs again instead of Euros?"

"Yes, Missie. You are finally grasping how serious this is."

"I like the idea of spending francs at Dior's. Euros seem so common, so inelegant."

"Missie, you aren't advising Jacques, are you?"

"Oh no. We never talk in bed. Jacques said it’s all due to someone called Profumo. Some Italian, I guess."