THE MOTHER OF ALL FOGS OF WAR

Somewhere up in military heaven, a conversation is taking place between British General Lord William Howe and his king, George III.

"Lord Howe, Billy Boy, look down there. See all those American Generals making excuses about blunders and blaming what they call 'the fog of war.'"

"Yes, Sire. It appears that the American and British pamphleteers have been influenced to agree with the 'fog of war' excuse."

"Compared with the fog you faced at Brooklyn Heights, Billy, these modern Generals are dealing with mere wisps of moisture in the air. They haven't got the foggiest notion of what real fog is like."

"Yes, Sire. If we hadn't been enveloped by that terrible fog, Great Britain would be the world's superpower today, not those ragtag Colonials called Americans."

"Billy, I still wonder whether you could have moved faster against that upstart George Washington and snuffed the whole rebellion out right then and there in 1776."

"But, Sire, I won every battle I ever fought against General Washington."

"True, Billy. But it was the battle that you didn't fight that cost us the colonies."

"But, Sire......"

"Come, come now. Let us not become emotional. It's all colonies over the dam now. Tell me what really transpired that distressing day and night in August."

"Sire, the rebels signed their infamous 'Declaration of Independence' on August 8th and....."

"The Americans celebrate their Declaration on July 4th, Billy."

"True, Sire. But the document was only completed on July 4th, and not signed and legal until August 8th. From the Boston Tea Party on, the rebels never seemed unduly worried about the legalities."

"They aren't much on geography either, Billy. Most Americans don't even realize that Brooklyn is in Long Island."

"Yes, Sire. The colonials could not boast of great competence."

"Billy, if they were so incompetent. why couldn't you put them in the bag?"

"We ferried our troops from Staten Island to a point on Long Island just eight miles south of the village of Brooklyn. We moved 20,000 crack German and English troops against General Washington's poorly equipped and badly trained 12,000 on August 27th and ....."

"Billy, you moved only 20,000 troops? I sent you an additional 32,000 troops in 400 ships protected by twenty or so of our best frigates."

"True, Sire. But we needed only the troops we had because Washington was a General who had never fought a big battle before and his troops had no bayonets or tents to keep their powder dry in that pouring rain and ......"

"Spare me, Billy. You did win that initial battle, as I remember it?"

"Yes, Sire, we smashed them to pieces. Even a rebel scribe wrote that they had been 'out flanked, out fought and out generaled.'"

"But what went so wrong, Billy?"

"Well, we located the remnants of Washington's army dug in on Brooklyn Heights with us at their front, and the East River at their back. I ordered five frigates to sail upriver to bombard the rebel positions. We had them in a nutcracker."

"Well, why didn't you just sweep them into the river?"

"Sire, if you remember, I made that mistake at Bunker Hill and lost too many men. This time I wanted to prepare carefully and give the frigates time to move up river."

"On with it, Billy."

"That night we kept secretly moving our entrenchments closer and closer to the rebels to be in position to surprise them in the morning."

"Yes? Yes, Billy? Go on."

"Well, Sire, the temperature fell and the rain turned into a devilish fog. I could not see my adjutant five feet to my right. During the night, Washington sent word to Manhattan to supply more boats in order to bring more reinforcements over to Brooklyn Heights."

"Did he reinforce, Billy?"

"No, Sire. Instead he used the boats to sneak all 12,000 of his troops over to Manhattan. He even took all his guns, wagons and cannons."

"Why in heaven's name didn't you stop him?"

"The damnable fog, Sire. We couldn't see him at all. And he was so quiet we couldn't hear him. He left people in the lines to keep fires burning and make enough noise to have us think he was still there."

"And that morning, Billy?"

"The fog stubbornly hung on, Sire. By the time it lifted and we attacked there was no one there to attack."

"Washington lied about the boats and the reinforcements?"

"Yes, Sire, about the boats and many other things."

"Billy, I thought Washington was always truthful. The cherry tree and all that."

"That's a myth, Sire. Washington was not only the rebel general, but he was also their spymaster. He lied and misdirected us all during the war."

"Billy, if it hadn't been for that fog?"

"We would have crushed the rebels, captured Washington and ended the rebellion three months after it started."

"And Britain, not America, would be the world's sole superpower?"

"Yes, Sire. That damnable fog changed the whole world for centuries to come."

"Sad but true, Billy. If you had bagged Washington, the rebellion would have ended, we would have kept the colonies, become today's superpower and history would not have written me off as 'nutty King George.'"

"Sad but true, Your Grace."