WHO NEEDS BRAINS? WE'VE GOT OIL!

Digger O'Well, CEO of BigEnergy Mutual Fund, has just called analyst Bo Tom Feeder into his office.

"Feeder, I’m very put out by this analysis of Exxon you made."

"What troubles you, sir?"

"This report is so pessimistic it looks like it was written by Communists."

"I assure you that I am a loyal Texas Republican, sir."

"How can you say that Exxon faces a grim future with oil over fifty dollars and the company gushing geysers of money?"

"You have to look at oil reserves, sir. Exxon Mobil and all the biggies are running out. Shell's ex-chairman was so desperate he got fired for faking his reserve numbers."

"Feeder, don't you realize that Exxon added over $70 billion in market value in the last twelve months?"

“Sir, that's just because Wall Street looks at sales and earnings without having the foggiest notion about the importance of reserves."

"Now, Feeder, don't you realize that a company like Exxon doesn't to have to actually own oil reserves so long as it has access to them?”

"Yes, sir, but that's the problem. They’re losing access all over the world."

"How is that possible? There's oil everywhere! Venezuela, Indonesia, Nigeria, Russia, Saudi Arabia -- everywhere, Feeder."

"That's true, sir. But those countries have created state-owned oil companies that are freezing the big independents out. Look at what Putin has done to Yukos in Russia."

"Well, I never trusted that Commie. Bush was nuts to think he could look into the soul of a non-believer."

"It isn't just Putin. There's Chavez stirring up trouble for us in Venezuela, and Kaddafi in Libya siding with the ayatollahs in Iran to pressure OPEC into lowering oil production so we get screwed with higher prices."

"Can't Exxon and the other biggies break through this mess and lobby these government-owned oil companies to do our bidding?"

"Well, sir, it’s gotten a lot harder since Bush invaded Iraq and pissed everybody off."

"Feeder, you’ve overlooked one important thing. Those foreign oil companies need Exxon's expertise and technology. That means that we can force access to the oil controlled by those rotten state monopolies."

"Not anymore, sir."

"For devil's sake, why not, Feeder?"

"Well, during the period of lower oil prices in the late 1980s and 1990s, Exxon and the other big oil guys drastically cut back on their technologies and research operations. It got so bad that good petroleum engineers went begging for jobs."

"If Exxon and Shell and Chevron don't have the expertise to help the foreign ignoramuses, how are they getting along?"

"They're getting all the expertise and technology they need from oil service companies like Halliburton and Schlumberger and exploration outfits like Apache."

"Isn't Exxon big enough to bully these foreign oil companies into line?"

"Well, sir, it is the biggest listed oil company in the world. But that's only dollars. If you look at oil reserves, Exxon Mobil is pretty small."

"Small? Small? How in hell can anyone in his right mind call Exxon 'small’?"

"Sir, it's because Exxon Mobil is only the twelfth largest oil company in the world in terms of reserves."

"It's number twelve? I can't believe it, Feeder."

"Unfortunately it's a small number twelve, sir. The company has only about 13 trillion barrels in reserve."

"That sounds like plenty to me, Feeder."

"Not compared to the others, sir. Saudi Aramco has 260 trillion, Iran's NIOC has 125 trillion, Iraq's NIOC has 115 trillion, Kuwait's KPC has 99 trillion, Venezuela's PDV has 78 trillion... Hell, even Russia's Yukos and Gazprom have over 30 trillion between them."

"My lord, Feeder. This is terrible. Exxon looks like a pygmy among giants."

"In reserves, it is, sir."

"You know, Feeder, my father worked for Exxon back in the ‘70s. He told me that Exxon had a famous slogan -- 'Who needs brains? We got oil!'"

"I don't think they say that much anymore, sir."

"Feeder, I have a terrible headache.”

"Do you want me to get you some aspirin, sir?”

"Never mind the aspirin. Just burn your damn report. Keep it off the Internet. And tell our traders to start lightening up on Exxon Mobil."