THE ECONOMY GOOGLES BUSH

Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez is ushered into the Oval Office for a meeting with the President, Vice President and advisor Karl Rove.

Rove:

Carlos, the President and I are very concerned about the economy.

Gutierrez:

I don't understand, sir. Sales are up, profits are up, Wall Street is passing out record bonuses and ......

Cheney:

Not everybody is happy, Carlos.

Rove:

We're getting Googled, Mr. Secretary.

Gutierrez:

But just look at Google and the techs. Most are going through the roof. The press is praising the economy.

Cheney:

Goddamn press.

Rove:

We are well aware of the good news, Mr. Secretary. Greenspan is happy. Wall Street is happy. But Main Street is not.

Bush:

Not happy at all Carlos. Right, Karl?

Gutierrez:

I don't understand. Why, Google and the techs are....

Rove:

They don't pull their weight in employment, Mr. Secretary.

Cheney:

Goddamn Google has a market cap of $122 billion and it employs only 3,021 people.

Rove:

That's only one job per $41 million in investments.

Gutierrez:

That's terrible! We did much better at Kellogg.

Bush:

I always had a soft spot in my heart for Tony the Tiger.

Rove:

Kellogg has a market cap of $18.4 billion and employs 25,000 people. That's one job for every $736,000 in investments. That's 55 times better than Google.

Cheney:

My good old loyal Halliburton even tops Kellogg. Halliburton takes only $315,000 to create a job. And everybody keeps picking on them.

Bush:

Unlike the newspapers, I think Halliburton is doing a great job in Iraq.

Cheney:

Goddamn newspapers.

Rove:

Mr. Secretary, it's important that you encourage those industries that create more jobs for the investment buck.

Gutierrez:

You have any industries in mind, Karl?

Bush:

We made a study, haven't we, Karl?

Rove:

Yes, Mr. President, we have. Advertising has a great ratio of jobs to capital. Interpublic, the advertising and public relations giant, creates one job for every $92,000 in investments. And there are others. Public relations, motion pictures, television, lobbying ....

Bush:

Lobbying is good. Keeps lots of ex-Congressmen in jobs.

Cheney:

Admirals and generals too.

Gutierrez:

I see. You mean service industries. Like the law and .....

Rove:

Not lawyers, Mr. Secretary. They're loyal to the Democrats.

Cheney:

Goddamn lawyers.

Bush:

But banks are good, aren't they?

Rove:

Pretty good, Mr. President. Citicorp creates one job for every $870,000 in investments.

Gutierrez:

Wal-mart must be sensational at job creation!

Rove:

Yes. Mr. Secretary. Wal-mart takes only $127,000 to create a job.

Cheney:

We don't have a moment to lose.

Gutierrez:

I'll get right on it, Mr. Vice President.

Rove:

Urgency is necessary, Mr. Secretary. We must reverse the President's poll numbers before the Congressional elections.

Bush:

Top speed, Carlos. Right now, nobody wants me to campaign for them. It's really embarrassing.


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