IN DEFENSE OF BULLSHIT

The expression “bullshit” is a unique American expression for which there is no translation in any other language in the world. It is more revered than Jazz and Rock & Roll, America's unique contributions to world music. Even newly arrived immigrants learn to shout “boolshit” almost as quickly as learning how to say “hello” or “job.” With the use of a single exclamation of “Bullshit!” you can shoot down any false premise delivered by the craftiest of politicians or crooks – a potential redundancy in these days of legislating for campaign contributors.

The expression, offensive to some purists, has been codified as “BS” for the children and the fainthearted. But the use of the initials waters down the force of the full expression. One ten-year-old in the neighborhood had taken to shouting “Bull Something!” in the attempt to add a little more power to the initials.

The deep and widespread respect Americans have for Bullshit shows in the grammatical evolution of the word, which started life as a noun, then quickly gave birth to a new noun, “bullshitter.” The expression reached full maturity when it morphed into the verb, “to bullshit.” It is now moving to adjectival status with the expression, “I've been bullshitted” or “I have been bullshat” – or whatever the past pluperfect should be.

But now this great and unique American Icon has come under attack from one of those “blue state” liberal professors who love to tear down the flag, the military and just about everything American. Princeton University philosopher Harry G. Frankfurt has written a book called On Bullshit , which has zoomed up the New York Times bestseller list. On 67 pages, he advances the proposition, “Those who bullshit are more dangerous than those who lie because liars need to know what the truth is before they can subvert it. Bullshitters, on the other hand, simply spin to aggrandize themselves.”

The professor's attitude is hard to understand because spinning to aggrandize ourselves is a time-honored human tradition, not restricted to America. Spinning to aggrandize oneself is simply the civilized man's approach to self-preservation, the most basic of human instincts. In the civilized world of capitalism and competition, the law of self-preservation demands that we continually attempt to elevate ourselves in the eyes of society. To accomplish this purpose, the use of Bullshit is a most effective tool for both elevating our status and diminishing the status of others. For example, a famous columnist once wrote:

“They are bigots.

You are prejudiced.

I am clannish.”

This writing demonstrates the power of “Bullshit” to both aggrandize self and diminish others at the same time.

Bullshitting has become a vital part of the American culture and is passed down generation to generation. For example:

• “I caught a fish this big.”
  
• “It's at least six inches.”
  
• “These (boobs) are all mine.”
  
• “Of course this (hair) is my natural color.”
  
• “I am six feet tall.”
  
• “I was very popular in school.”
  
• “Til death do us part.”
  
• “I am a big player on Wall Street.”
  
• “No child left behind” (but I won't adequately fund it).
  
• “I voted for the war before I voted against it.”
  
• “The troops have all the armor they need.”
  
• “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
  
• “I have a Masters from New York University.”
  
• “I increased sales 57 percent.”

Bullshitting is not restricted to aggrandizing self, but has been commercialized to elevate the stature of all kinds of products and services as well. Advertising, sales promotion and public relations are three professions which have been developed to employ bullshit effectively on behalf of soap, cereal, cars, tax preparers, investment consultants and politicians.

Consider the following:

• “It gets 57 miles to the gallon.”
  
• “Ivory: 99 and 99/100ths percent pure. It floats.”
  
• “Camels. Not a cough in a carload.”
  
• “Winston tastes good like a cigarette should.”
  
• “Diet Coke. Just for the taste of it.”
  
• “You'll get a 20 percent return on your investment.”
  
• “Our circulation is over 2.4 million.”
  
• “Our Dan Rather is not biased.”

There is a church in Florida which employs bullshit to make its members feel very happy at Sunday services. Many churches ask their attendees to stand during the service and greet those around them with a “Good Morning” or two. But this church asks its worshipers to stand and greet those around them with a hearty, “You look marvelous!” Inasmuch as many of those looking “marvelous” are either obese, over 65, or both, you can see the bullshit component of the greeting. But everybody feels better and gets into the highly upbeat mood of an outdoor church service led by a minister in an Hawaiian shirt and shorts, where the music is provided by the “Holy Mackerel Praise Band.”

The professor will probably want to write against this too, right after he goes after baseball, motherhood and apple pie.