TAKE OUT THE ATOMIC GARBAGE, JUNIOR

"Junior, did you take out the atomic garbage yet?"

"I tried, Mother."

"What do you mean, you 'tried'?"

"I took the sack to the back door, opened it and looked out. But there was no place to put it."

"You're making me crazy with your stories, Junior."

"I'm not lying, Mother. There was no 'there' out there any more. No place for the atomic garbage. Just some giant condors circling the house."

"Giant condors? No there there? Junior, I want to feel your forehead. You've been acting strange since the twentieth Harry Potter book came out last week."

"There's nothing wrong with my head, Mother. I don't have a fever and I haven't fallen under the spell of Harry Potter or any other wizards."

"Junior, this is no joking matter. We are up to our necks in atomic waste. You've got to find a way to dump the garbage!"

"I can't, Mother. The truck doesn't come anymore."

"Why not? Are the drivers on strike?"

"No, Mother. The atomic waste hauling companies have gone out of business."

"How could they? Since the days of President Bush, the environmentalists have sold the country on abandoning dirty coal for making electricity. They want to save the world from greenhouse gasses, whatever those are. According to the news, we're building atomic-powered electric generating plants all over the place."

"Right, Mother. The U.S. is producing more atomic-powered electricity every day."

"Then why are all the atomic garbage companies going out of business?"

"Because, Mother, nobody wants the atomic waste these plants produce."

"Nobody?"

"Mother, every state in the union has rejected atomic waste. And now that the site at Yucca Mountain in Nevada is full, there's no other acceptable site. And without a site, the atomic waste garbage haulers are going broke."

"Can't they use atomic waste for something? You, know, like your Great-Grandpa Broward, the big hog farmer. He found a way to spray hog manure around his farms. He says he saved a ton of money on fertilizer."

"Isn't that why Great-Grandmother Sara ran off with a traveling man from the city?"

"Never mind about Sara. She was just unstable."

"Mother, I think the rest of the world thinks like Sara did. Hog waste stinks to high heaven and nobody is his right mind should live near a hog factory."

"What has hog manure got to do with atomic energy?"

"Atomic waste is worse than hog manure. Atomic waste is radioactive. It kills."

"That's just a rumor started by Democrats."

"I don't know, Mother. Haven't you read about the alarmingly high death rate among casino workers in Las Vegas and Reno?"

"Forget casino workers. Those card sharps lead unhealthy lives to start with."

"Mother........"

"There has to be some place to put atomic garbage."

"Well, NASA says they could revive the shuttle program and take it to outer space, but Congress doesn't believe anything NASA says anymore. Not since all the crashes and failed missions."

"Junior, I am tearing my hair out. Somebody has to want our atomic waste."

"Well, there is one group who wants it bad enough to buy it."

"Thank God. Who, Junior?"

"Al Qaeda."

"Do you know the number?"