Posted 9/1/2008

JOHN McCAIN IS ALL WET

My name is Samantha P. Bear and I am very upset over John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Although I am happy with the fact that Governor Palin is a pro-life female, I am very angry at her attitude toward hunting. Especially bear hunting.

That picture of her with a stuffed bear in her office was obscene.

Sarah Palin brags that she is a mother of five.

Well, Sarah dear, I am a mother too. And I am very pro-life. Especially for bears.

My good friend Fanny Bear interrupted her salmon fishing just to yell, "Sarah Palin is all wet!" (It takes a lot of grief to make "Fat Fanny" give up a juicy salmon.)

What do little human children think when they see a lady bragging about killing bears? Doesn't Governor Palin realize that little human children just adore their teddy bears? They love to hug them and take them to bed. Will they be terrified that the Alaskan bear huntress will kill their teddy bears?

I can tell you that bear cubs are traumatized when they see hunters getting themselves photographed brandishing their rifles over a dead bear. Some go off their feed for weeks.

One of my friends already tells her cubs when they misbehave that Governor Boogiewoman will shoot them if they don't shape up.

One human child named Cheryl used to love to call her father "daddy bear" because he had a warm tummy during cold Illinois winters. She liked to curl up on lap when he sat in his recliner. Even when she was mad at him, she would look up and yell, "Fatso, ratso grizzly bear." But it was always a live bear reference.

And I understand, Governor Sarah, that you don't believe in global warming. Why don't you look up and see what's happening to the polar ice cap? It's melting so fast we polar bears may have no place to live in a few years. How would you like to have to swim for your life in frigid water?

And why is your husband running around racing snow-making machines? Doesn't he realize that extravagant use of gas throws up tons of CO₂? If he is part Eskimo, as the papers say, he should realize that there are no trees up here to absorb his excess CO₂.

And what happens if you become President and get that famous 3:00 a.m. phone call? Are you going to jump out of bed, grab your rifle and shoot the bear rattling your garbage can?

I haven't decided who to vote for, but I am definitely going to check out Joe Biden because he is from Delaware.

A state too small for bears – and bear hunters.

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