SENATOR DOOFUS

Senator Robert Menendez, Democrat from New Jersey, may be one of our leading doofuses. He recently yelped: "While ExxonMobil executives are popping champagne and celebrating their record profits, American families are popping antacids under the strain of soaring gas prices."

He seems to be reflecting the national mood of our "blame somebody else" society.

And he is wrong on several counts.

In the first place, the oil guys are very masculine. They eat steaks and wouldn't be caught dead eating quiche. Popping champagne? Senator Menendez, these are real men. Bourbon-drinking men. You've got to stop projecting the behavior of bribe-taking Senators who swill champagne on private flights provided by your big campaign donors. (The ones you give all the tax breaks to.)

Instead of screaming at big oil, how about complaining about the people who are really sipping champagne?

Like all those Saudi princes who are swimming in champagne since oil began its startling rise from $30 a barrel to over $70? Senator Menendez, aren't you aware that they make gasoline out of oil?

Senator, why don't you have the courage to yip about Venezuela's Hugo Chavez, as he collects a big oil treasure while supporting Cuba's Castro with free oil shipments? If that isn't enough for you, he foments anti-American sentiment all over Latin America.

Senator, if you are afraid of the OPEC price gougers, why not do your thing and attack one of our allies? The Brits, for instance. They're selling their Brent North Sea crude oil for over $70 a barrel, too.

If whole countries are too tough for you, Senator, why not hit some other industries which are profiteering at the expense of the public to a much greater extent than any oil company is?

And speaking of antacids, what about Pfizer and all the other drug companies which are out-profiting the oil companies? ExxonMobil's profit margin of 9.4% looks pretty puny compared with Pfizer's 23.5%. And unlike the big drug companies, ExxonMobil isn't forcing the elderly to choose between food and their medications. That seems much crueler than encouraging yuppies to trade in their SUVs for lighter sedans. (But if you did that, you would lose the mountains of campaign bribes coming the Senate's way from the big drug makers.)

Even McDonalds earns 12.4% on its Happy Meals, or 2.6% more than ExxonMobil. (There's apparently more profit in marketing trans fats than gasoline.) Microsoft made 27.3%, almost three times the profit margins of ExxonMobil. In fact, the big oil company's profit margin was less than the 11% average of the Standard & Poor 500 companies. Senator, do you want to attack all five hundred companies for profiteering?

And, Senator, it isn't just the oil producers who are the problem. Just wait until you decide to improve your plumbing with copper pipes. Copper is at an all-time high. Why not yell at one of the big coppers? Take Southern Peru Copper. In the last three years the company has grown from $1.5 billion to over $4 billion without increasing its copper production one ounce. Where did they get the extra $2.5 billion in sales? Price increases. Simply price increases, Senator.

Senator, forget about buying your daughter a gold ring. The big gold producers have set world gold prices near a record high. Now, jewelry prices are shooting sky-high all over the world. If it's not too late, you can downsize Alicia's present to a silver pin. But you better hurry: the price of silver has exploded, too.

And even the very rich, who prefer platinum, are in for a rude shock. With increasing demand from both the air frame producers and jewelers, platinum's price is higher than a Boeing 787 Dreamliner. When are you going to whine about the metals producers?

And, Senator, better forget doing anything about a new patio. The price of cement has gone up so high, they may start making jewelry out of it. That is, if you can get any. When are you going to rail against the cement makers?

Senator, if you would tune into CNBC on occasion, you would get a very good briefing on what's been happening to commodity prices during the past few years. You would quickly learn that China is buying up all the commodities it can get its hands on. It needs commodities to build its infrastructure and run its voracious factories. With its huge demand for commodities, China, with some help from India, has forced world commodity prices up, which, in turn, has pushed up prices in our stores and gas stations.

If all this is too difficult for you, Senator, let me put it more simply.

The way James Carville would say it.

It's the Chinese, stupid!

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