B.S. APLENTY ON DRILLING IN ALASKA

B.S. Aplenty, CEO of Dyna-Mobull Oil, is having lunch with Elvira Poppaganda, head of Hott, House & Fibber Public Relations.

"Well, B.S., we really got the administration to push hard on our Alaska drilling plan."

"You bet, Elvira. We're going to be drilling all over that Alaskan wilderness. We owe a lot to President Bush and Vice President Cheney."

"Yes, sir, oil for SUVs is a lot more important than a lot of moose rutting around in the snow."

"Right, Elvira. Just keep telling everybody that drilling new oil in Alaska is going to lower prices and be good for consumers."

"Why, B.S.? Everybody's got the message by now."

"Well, we fibbed a little on that score."

"Fibbed, B.S.?"

"Actually, a lot, Elvira. You see, most of that new Alaskan oil will be shipped to Japan and China."

"But, B.S., how will that help lower prices for American consumers?"

"It won't. It doesn't matter whether we keep all the oil in America or ship it all to Japan and China. There's only one world price for each grade of crude."

"But people can't understand that, B.S."

"Thank God and four percent dividends. If they did, they would never let us run loose in Alaska."

"I have a hard time understanding this and....."

"This is the way things always have worked in oil. Look back to the Arab oil boycott in the 1970s. At the time, Britain was one hundred percent self-sufficient in oil. They produced as much as they used. But the price of gasoline and heating oil in London went up just as high as it did in Kankakee, Illinois."

"But, B.S., if drilling for oil in Alaska won't help the consumer and the country, why did we push so hard for drilling rights?"

"Elvira, we didn't do it to help the country. We did it to help the company."

"Help the company? How?"

"Listen carefully, Elvira. Things may look rosy on the surface. Everybody in the oil business is swimming in money these days. But if you drill a few feet below the subsoil, you will find something very scary."

"What will we find that's so scary, B.S.?"

"It's what we won't find that's so scary. There isn't any oil, Elvira."

"I thought there was plenty of oil."

"Not affordable oil, Elvira. Our reserves are going down so fast, I think I'm in one of those New York elevators. And it isn't just us. Nobody is expanding their reserves. Not Exxon Mobil, not Shell, not Chevron Texaco, not British Petroleum. Nobody."

"That shocking, B.S."

"What's worse is that some of those Wall Street sharpies have started to catch on. Too many of them. The average common stock is traded at 20 times earnings, but our company is only trading at eleven times earnings. That means that we are almost fifty percent worse than average. My stock options are withering."

"Drilling in Alaska is going to save us, B.S.?”

"You bet your bottom line. If we can hit a well or two, we can claim huge new reserves and our stock will shoot up again. And I will be rich."

"But, B.S., if the public catches on that messing up the pristine wilds of Alaska is just a boondoggle to pump up our oil reserve and stock price, they will want to boil our hides in sour crude."

"That's why I am telling you all this, Elvira. You need to take preventative action. Start sending out releases that there are too many moose up there and that they are degrading the precious tundra. Start a campaign telling people that polar bears are killing innocent baby seals. Find the mother of some Eskimo who was killed by a rampaging wolf. We've got to keep the Democrats and the environmentalists on the defensive."

"Great mooseberries, B.S.! Brilliant strategy. We'll get right on it."