THE EFFICIENCY PANDEMIC

Barbara watched the news program showing Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke on the hot seat, being grilled by a Senator who relentlessly demanded, "If the economy is strong and vibrant as you say, why isn't producing more jobs? Is it because of all the jobs going overseas?"

Bernanke squirmed and fidgeted like a first grader having to go.

Actually the beleaguered Fed Chairman should have asked for a bathroom recess and gathered his wits about him, because there is an excellent explanation why a healthy economy would churn out too few jobs. The Fed Chairman missed a wonderful opportunity to educate Barbara, the Senator and the American public.

Outsourcing may be in the headlines, but it's just a head cold compared to the "efficiency pandemic." Whole professions have been wiped out with many career populations approaching extinction.

Barbara remembered when Secretary's Day was a big thing. When every junior and middle-level executive had a secretary. When visiting firemen loved to stand on Park Avenue at noon and watch all the beautiful secretaries go by.

When Barbara took the business course at Barry High and finished with outstanding shorthand, typing and bookkeeping skills, she went off to New York and landed a great job as an executive secretary at Trans Oceanic Marine.

Barbara's granddaughter has the same super steno skills, but can't seem to find a good secretarial job. Secretarial jobs have disappeared, gobbled up by the computer and voicemail. Junior and mid-level execs now tickle the keyboards themselves - all in the name of efficiency.

One of Barbara's friends taking the same business course had a great deal of trouble with shorthand. No matter; she drove over to Quincy, Illinois and got a good typing job at Gardner Denver.

But her granddaughter can't find a good typing job anywhere. The famed "typing pool" of yesteryear has been done in by the computer, printer and Xerox machine - devices which are collectively cheaper than typists.

A girl who was too homely could never get a job as a secretary, even if she could type 200 words a minute and take shorthand faster than an auctioneer could shout. Companies have been on a big pretty girl kick since World War II. Unattractive applicants were checked for math skills and consigned to the accounting department, which was always walled off from the rest of the office.

What does a homely girl do for a job today? The big accounting departments have been wiped out by the computer and the Internet which save money, time and space.

Barbara's friend Sue got a teller job at the Barry Bank. But her granddaughter won't be able to. The bank has been run out of business by a bigger and more efficient bank, which used less real estate, fewer tellers and a lot more automated tellers. Bank mergers and automated tellers are melting away teller jobs across America.

One of Barbara's friends went to work as an operator for Illinois Bell, but her granddaughter won't be able to follow in her footsteps. Computers, digital systems and artificial voices have replaced the friendly, helpful operator. "Press one if, press two if....." is a lot less helpful but a lot more efficient - for the phone company.

A pleasant woman without skills, but owning a pair of white gloves, could always get a good job as an elevator operator in a department store, office building or hotel. But Barbara hasn't seen any lately. All the elevators are automated. (But all is not lost. There are efficiency-free zones in America. The United Nations in New York has automated elevators where an "operator" pushes the buttons for you.)

Barbara remembers when Barry was a thriving town filled with small shops catering to everything a farm family might need. But hyper-efficient Walmart moved into nearby Quincy and Pittsfield. Soon, the shops closed and all the shop girls were out of work. Things got so bad that the Wabash Railroad closed its Barry station and moved its tracks further west. (The finance folks call Walmart "America's largest employer." It is. But it could also be called "America's largest unemployer.")

Barbara remembers the movie theater in Barry, where pretty high school girls could earn money by ushering you down to your seat with a flashlight and a soft, hushed voice. But more efficient corporate farms eliminated the family farm, and with them went the families that once came in to town to see the movies. The movie house closed. The marquee fell off the building about ten years ago.

Many girls without college degrees became travel agents. But that business is under severe stress, as airlines have found it more efficient to sell tickets online than pay travel agent commissions. Agencies are closing and jobs are disappearing all over America. The quality of the service declines, but efficiency increases.

When Barbara was a girl, young women went to college to get their "Mrs. Degrees," which meant landing a meal ticket with a good future.

Today's young women better go to college to get a degree that gets them a career with a future, which is work fully inoculated against the efficiency pandemic.

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