Posted 2/2/2008

YOU CAN'T GET A MAN WITH A GUN

When Annie Get Your Gun star Betty Hutton sang, "You cain't git a man with a gun," she was only partially right.

Actually, when she realized her mistake and let her beau beat her in a shooting match, that's when she got the guy. The song should really say, "You can't get a man with a gun if you shoot better than he does."

There are a lot of widows and divorcees running about looking for men these days, since only 50 percent of women are married. Not all of them are marriage-minded, but many of those who are seem to be repeating Annie's original mistake.

What's keeping these women from winning a man?

Let's take the case of a talented, 50ish divorcee named Suzie.

Her first move was a good one. She got into all kinds of groups and clubs. She met all kinds of men and had lots of dates. But nothing stuck.

Why not?

It seems Suzie is quite an athlete. She can whack a golf ball 280 yards, hitting the fairway nine out of ten times. Her approach shots have an uncanny knack of avoiding the sand traps and landing near the pin. Her putting is ice-cold and lethal. At the moment, she shoots near par.

She has played with many men, easily beating them all – even from the men's tee. But none of her golf games turns into dates. Which proves you can't get a man with a club, either. Especially if you play better than he does.

Suzie is also a tremendous swimmer. For fun, she dives into the ocean and churns up five or six miles without any effort. Last summer she was a counselor at a place like Lake Woebegon. This lake was a mile wide. One day the high school males decided to swim across and rest on the other side. Suzie asked if she could swim along with them. Patronizingly, they agree.

The boys dove in, and started swimming rapidly. The slowest boy saw something or someone churn by him. Then the next boy, and the next, until the fastest-moving swimmer was left in her droplets. She continued at high speed and turned around at the end of the lake for the return leg without taking a breather. Again, she passed the boys, this time moving in the opposite direction.

That night she heard the boys demanding to know, "Who was that old lady who swam so fast?" So much for getting a boy toy.

Suzie powers so fast the runners and joggers are left in the dust. Now you see her, now you don't. Just watching her move, you know there is no chance a guy is going to ask her out for a slow walk in the moonlight.

You also cain't git a man with a muscle. Suzie works out and exercises so much that her body feels like it's made out of steel. What man wants to hug a woman capable of breaking his back? Women are supposed to be soft and warm. Suzie is hard and cool. No man on earth wants to spoon with a girl whose muscles are harder than his are. I mean, how can you go to the beach together?

It would be like Rudy in a dress debating Hillary while wearing in a pantssuit.

Of course, that one might happen.

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