Posted 4/13/2009

THE FIRST DIVORCE

It was Aaron's first divorce.

The one that was never legally recorded.

The one his friends and neighbors were unaware of.

The one his wife, Sarah, was completely in the dark about.

The one that not even Aaron fully understood.

What kind of divorce was it?

It seems that Sarah and Aaron were happily married for three years. He was a husband and she was a wife. Then something happened to forever change the relationship between them.

Little Jacob was born.

The minute that Jacob was born, Sarah switched occupations. She went from wife to mother, without realizing the consequences. Her maternal instincts dramatically trumped her mating instincts. If she still saw herself as a wife, wifery had become more avocation than vocation. Her primary job was now Jacob.

All this was a terrible shock to Aaron. A bittersweet moment. He was delighted to have gained a son, but was devastated to have lost a wife. Instead of enjoying primacy in the family, he had been relegated to the status of a very tertiary star in the constellation.

There was less sex. Less cuddling. Less interest in adult talk. Everything seemed to revolve around little Jacob, who had become the dazzling bright light in the family.

Poor Aaron began to feel he was in orbit, one that grew more distant from the center each day. When he burst through the door one evening to proudly announce his big promotion to district manager, and the big raise that went with it, Sarah simply smiled and said, "That's wonderful, dear. Now we can buy a house with a bigger yard for Aaron to play in." There was not a single word of congratulations. Not a mention of the trip to Paris they had often dreamed of before Jacob.

At work, Aaron often dreamed of the times he and Sarah had enjoyed before his son had arrived. Everything in his marriage so much revolved around Aaron that Aaron once made a Freudian slip in a letter to his mother. He spelled son, "sun."

The more he suffered the loss of Sarah's attention, interest and affection, the more he began to think of his marriage in initials: Our "BJ" period and our "AJ" period. (Before Jacob and After Jacob.)

On day Aaron bitterly commented, "The expression, 'And baby makes three' must have been written by a mother. In real life, a baby makes one."

So Aaron did what most men do when the shock of their first divorce hits home. He married his corporation. He worked like the devil and was soon elevated to division manager, a position requiring extensive travel and time away from home.

But he didn't mind. The corporation was now lavishing enormous amounts of affection on him, even more than he had got from Sarah, BJ. With his larger salary, bigger bonuses and lavish expense account, he was able to enjoy the use of escort services in two cities.

At this juncture, Aaron was fully divorced from Sarah and was now completely married to his corporation. If Sarah could no longer provide attention, affection and sex, Empire Gear & Speed Reducer was ready, willing and able to step into the breech.

When they divorced twelve years later, the breakup came as a huge surprise and shock to Sarah. But not to Aaron. He was already well experienced in divorce.

The initial divorce happens to all men who marry and have children. In fact, nature presents most mating animals with the same problem.

The female lion coaxes and wheedles the male into sex, even when he would rather laze about or sleep. But as soon as she becomes pregnant, she loses all interest in sex and adult affection. As she mothers her cubs, she rebuffs all advances from the male.

When a new male drives the old male out of the pride, she will refuse the advances of the new male. As a result, the new male will hunt down her cubs and kill them. With the death of her cubs, and after a brief period of mourning, the female lion becomes interested in mating once again.

Which shows how decent men are. They don't kill the kids. They just slink off and marry their corporations.

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