TRUMP TRUMPS "UMP"

Donald Trump's rags-to-riches story had many high obstacles to scale. We all know about his overbearing personality, his exaggerated sense of self, his funny hair and his nouveau riche status. But what has been severely under-reported is his nomenclature adversity. His ability to overcome the name "Trump" was indeed remarkable.

Trump starts with "Tr" but ends in "ump" and that's trouble in River City. You see, words ending in "ump" are essentially despised in America.

"Ump" itself is slang for umpire and is most associated with the expression "kill the ump" -- which has expressed popular sentiment since Abner Doubleday allegedly invented baseball in the 19th century. Put a consonant or two in front of "ump" and you produce a big list of worlds repulsive to most Americans:

• BUMP. No one wants one. A bump on the head is painful. A bump on your car costs $2,000 or more. A speed bump jars your spine, scrapes your car’s undercarriage and slows you down. No one wants to be bumped off by someone who thinks like Al Capone. The "bump and grind" is what strippers and exotic dancers perform in low-level dives. If Trump Tower had been called "Bump Tower," would it have had the same cachet?

• DUMP. On a macro basis, a dump is something nobody wants to live near. On a micro basis, a dump is a house nobody wants to live in. The verb dump is something lovers do to each other when boredom sets in. "Down in the dumps" is a colloquialism for depression. Could something called "Dump Tower" have been all glitzed up in glass and brass and promoted as a super-luxurious building?

• FRUMP. A frump is an fussily dressed older woman with a repugnant personality. It can even refer to a "dowdy" girl or woman. No woman looking for a man wants to be called frumpish. Fortunately, the word is disappearing from today's vocabulary. In any event, who would have paid big bucks to live in "Frump Tower”?

• GRUMP. This word is generally found in the expression, "he's an old grump," which describes a sulky and ill-humored person. It is also used to describe a socially inept, complaining type. America's older cohorts are often described as "the grumpy generation" -- which is why so many of them get clapped into nursing homes by their children.

• GUMP. The movie Forrest Gump portrayed a retarded man who magically overcame obstacles and succeeded in life. But he failed to find love and, despite his good fortune, no one wants to become another Gump or produce a Gump-like child. If Trump Tower had been called "Gump Tower," condo prices would probably have dropped sixty percent or more.

• HUMP. The noun "hump" describes an unattractive, mound of flesh protruding from man and beast. A camel is "a horse designed by a committee." A "dowager’s hump" is the unattractive back of some older women. In Britain, hump means depression. On NYPD Blue, the verb hump was used by socially inept detectives to describe sex among skels and their girlfriends. As in Andy Sipowicz saying, "Yeah, he's got an alibi. Claims he came home at four in the morning and threw a hump into his girlfriend, but she don't remember waking up." A "Hump Tower" probably have been banned by the City of New York.

• LUMP. A lump is a small bump or abnormal swelling. Occurring in the breast, it can signify cancer. Less terrifying, lump can also describe a person who is heavy and awkward or stupid and dull. Taking your lumps is not a good thing. A lump in the throat is not a pleasant feeling. Lump is also associated with losing or losers. It can also mean getting a beating and being bruised up. Designing a "Lump Tower" would be a challenge for the best of architects.

• MUMP. This is an archaic expression meaning to beg or to sponge off someone or society. In the plural, mumps stands for an acute viral disease marked by fever and swelling. "Mump Tower?" I don't think so.

• RUMP. The word generally refers to the buttocks or hindquarters, originally of horses and cows, and later associated with humans. Rump also refers to a short session of a legislative body, or a session following the exit of many of its members. Most people perceive someone's rump to be overly large and fully rounded, but not tightly packed. The opposite and far more attractive version would be "buns of steel." It is easy to see that "Buns Towers" would be more attracting than "Rump Towers."

• SLUMP. This negative word indicates a marked and sustained decline in the economy or in prices. Slump also describes a decline in athletic performance, like when a batter goes hitless for an unusual amount of time. A salesman missing out on orders is often referred to as "being in a slump." The verb slump means to fall, or sink down to the floor. Slump can also refer to a slouching, drooping posture. In some cases, slump means to collapse. A "Slump Tower" would not project an image vitality and success.

• STUMP. A stump is the remaining part of the body after amputation, as in the stump of an arm or leg. In plants, it is the remaining part of the stem attached to the roots after the stem has been severed, as in a tree stump. A stumpy person is one who resembles a tree trunk, stout and short, the opposite of a tall, willowy fashion model. "Stump Tower" -- like "military intelligence" -- would be an oxymoron.

• SUMP. This describes the pit or lowest point in a drainage system. Originally meaning "swamp," the word sump can also stand for cesspool. In the internal combustion engine, the sump is the lowest point in the oil drainage system. A sump pump is needed to remove undesirable water from a basement or boat. Because the word is associated with the lowest point in liquid basins, it is difficult to see a skyscraper named "Sump Tower."

Well, there you have it. The Donald succeeded mightily despite the handicap of his "ump" nomenclature.