OH, THOSE SIXTY-SOMETHING BEAUTIES

The headline over the USA Today feature story blared: "Older than 60 no longer is less than sexy." I was kind of surprised at the awkward phrasing. Why couldn't the editors have shown greater comprehension of English expression and said, "SixtySomethings Still Sexy!" A little literary alliteration could spice up interest in newspapers, which are rapidly declining in youthful readership.

Maybe English isn't important anymore. Perhaps pictures are supposed to do the job. The story was highlighted by a photo of 71-year-old Sophia Loren posing in bed with black nightgown and sheet drawn sufficiently south so as to show off her fabulous fulsome frontage. She was on her back, arms raised in a defensive position, and looking very much as if she were being frightened of an intruder. All things said, she really looked good, more 51 than 71.

Ann-Margret at 65 looked great over a caption that said, "A kittenish siren who morphed into a wildcat." The expression on her face seemed to suggest the classic, sexy Mae West line, "Come on up and see me some time."

Deborah Harry at 61 was described as "Dangerous and what a bod!" But only her face was showing and it looked as if it had been skillfully enhanced along the way.

Tina Turner had the youngest looking face, perched over a caption that said, "Oh the legs on her!" You'd think the editors of USA Today would do a better job of coordinating the copy, pics and attractive body parts.

They did get one right. The look on 60 year-old Goldie Hawn's face was very appropriate to its caption: "Cute, but that look in her eyes spells trouble – the kind you want to get into."

The caption under the photo of 62-year-old Lauren Hutton said, "Not our mothers and grandmothers."

Was she right. Did our mothers and grandmothers become "less than sexy" when they became sixty-something?

To find out, I rummaged through some old family scrapbooks, attempting to extract the photos of Grandma Bertha, Great-Aunt Grace and mother Sophie when they were all sixty-something.

Sophie at sixty was a real looker. Great face and figure. But she tended to be on the Jean Simmons side, pretty but not obviously a sex kitten. But that was a matter of make-up and posing. She could have easily acted sexy.

Aunt Grace was a real corker. Married to a wealthy businessman, Grace lived life to the fullest. At 65 she wore close-fitting purple outfits and spiked heels and loved to exchange baudy stories with the boys at family gatherings. This naturally shocked all the other women, who preferred to talk about children and cooking. Aunt Grace knew she was a stunner and loved to flaunt it by wheeling around town in a huge yellow Cadillac convertible. Roaring up to see me at college, she turned every male eye within a 200-yard radius. Actually, Grace's beautiful white hair and her youthful face and figure gave her very much of a Jean Harlow look. For you youngsters out there, Ms. Harlow was Hollywood's blonde bombshell of the 1930s who tragically died at age 28.

USA Today was clearly dead wrong about two of the women in my family, who were still "It" girls well into their sixties and early seventies.

I should have closed the scrapbook while I was still ahead.

Unfortunately, I came upon Grandma Bertha when she was about 63 or 64. It was a sight to behold. She was standing next to Grandpa Carl, who was in his usual bib overalls. Both were rigidly upright, as if posing for one of those 19th Century photo boxes which required you to hold your breath and not move for ten seconds or so.

Grandma was wearing what they used to call "sensible shoes," with the leather coming up to her ankles. The hem of her shirt-waist house dress hung down halfway between her ankles and her knees. The belt didn't show a narrow waist and the bust was undefined. The top of the dress came up almost to her chin, so no one would ever know whether or not she had much cleavage. But her face was the clincher. She looked very much like a portrait of George Washington wearing spectacles.

I have to give Ms. Hutton her due. She sure wasn't "my grandmother."

Of course, they both had funny teeth.

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