RUPERT'S WEIRD END

If you were a friend of Rupert Tingle and wanted to visit his grave, you would have to go a pawn shop near Harrah's in Las Vegas. There you would find Rupert on full display on a black jeweler's cloth inside a locked glass counter.

Although this must seem mighty strange to you, there's a reasonable explanation which has nothing to do with the supernatural. In fact, while Rupert is the first one to end up in a hock shop, I suspect there will be many more in the future.

Here's how it all came about...

When Rupert retired, he and his wife Lurleen decided to move to Las Vegas, like thousands of other retirees drawn by new communities, low taxes and reasonable housing prices. Besides, Lurleen loved to go to shows and see all the Hollywood stars who appeared at shows in the casinos.

At first, the move worked out quite well. They got a nice home in a nice community and went to see a lot of shows. One night Rupert won almost ten thousand playing craps. As they celebrated that night at a fancy eatery, Rupert exclaimed, "I don't know how Heaven expects to compete with Las Vegas."

I think it was that particular blaspheming that did Rupert in. Within a few days, he came down with terrible coughing and chills. A doctor's prescription did not help. Rupert kept getting worse until he was rushed to a hospital, where the diagnosis was Hantavirus, a deadly infection.

As he lay dying, Rupert told Lurleen that he wanted something special done with his body. He said he wanted to be cremated, but did not want his ashes buried.

Rupert laboriously explained, "I read about this place that takes human ashes and turns them into diamonds. I want you to have me turned into diamonds you can wear around your neck so you will never forget me."

Shocked, Lurleen exclaimed, "Rupert, you can't turn people into diamonds. That's crazy!"

"No it isn't, Lurleen. Listen, I read up on it. They now have machines that can put incredible pressure and heat on human remains and in a few days, presto, out come diamonds."

"But, Rupert, not human ashes!"

"Yes, Lurleen, human ashes. The newspaper articles said human ashes are carbon based, just like coal and diamonds. So if you apply enough heat and pressure, you can make diamonds out of my ashes. Maybe you can get enough to make a necklace as big as Elizabeth Taylor's."

Despite her reservations, Lurleen had Rupert's body cremated. She then dutifully took his ashes to the recommended "diamond processing company," where the receptionist confidently assured her that Rupert would probably be good for a modest necklace. For an added fee, they would even work with a trusted jeweler to produce the necklace.

Lurleen agreed to all this and a week later ended up with what was once Rupert hanging around her neck. When she went to a good show, she patted her necklace affectionately, hoping that Rupert's spirit was somehow dwelling in the diamonds and enjoying the show too.

All went well, until Lurleen started visiting the casino out of loneliness. She enjoyed seeing the people and watching the drama of winning and losing. It was great theater, and free.

Then one day, she decided to try out a roulette table to experience some of the excitement players evinced when the "wheel man" yelled, "Red!" or "Black!" or some number. At first she played cautiously and made many small bets. Then, as she got more and more excited with her winnings (it was a good night for "red"), she began to increase the size of her bets. Hysteria overtook her as the wheel was inevitably pulled back by statistical probability and she began to hear "black" more and more frequently. Now heavily in the red from over betting "red," she shifted to black, only to see lady luck return to "red."

By the end of the night, a distraught Lurleen found she had blown four or five months of living expenses on the tricky wheel. She had to max out her credit card just to settle up her losses and get out to the street.

She stewed at home for thee days, miserably looking at employment ads in the newspaper. Lurleen was really hungry, the supermarket having rejected her credit card. Then she saw an ad for a nearby pawn shop. There was her solution. Then she patted her neck and felt ashamed. She kept going back and forth between her neck patting and her pawn shop ad reading.

Finally, during her fourth day of hunger, Lurleen broke down and reluctantly went to the pawn shop, where she hoped to trade Rupert in for a few months' living expenses.

As she fidgeted while the man in the pawnshop studied her necklace under his jeweler's glass, she promised herself that she would get a good job and save her money so she could redeem Rupert before he was sold to some hooker. A numb Lurleen stared as the pawnbroker took the glass out of his eye, put down the necklace and announced, "These aren't real diamonds. I can't give you much."

"But," Lurleen stammered, "the ad said that they were going to make diamonds out of my Rupert's ashes. They have to be real diamonds."

"No, your necklace is made of manufactured diamonds, which are artificial diamonds. The only real diamonds are those made by nature."

Well, Lurleen left the store in a state of shock, having traded in Rupert for about a week's worth of living expenses.

And that's how Rupert's grave turned out to be a glass display case in a pawn shop.

It could have been worse. There might have been a power outage which seriously reduced the amount of pressure and heat on Rupert's ashes.

In that case, the result might have been a lump of coal.

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