KARL ROVE BRIEFS PRESIDENT BUSH

“Come in, Karl. Take a load off.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“Karl, what are we going to do about the stem cell thing?”

“Well, sir, as you know, we’ve really put the blocks on stem cell research. Those pagan scientists (who don’t believe in creationism, by the way) are effectively limited to using only 22 stem cell lines. The Christian Right is really happy with us.”

“I thought I promised 78 lines.”

“You did, Mr. President, but it turns out that only 22 of the 78 were viable. And of the 22, most are contaminated and may not be useful at all. It’s a great win. Even the pro-life Catholic Bishops are with us on this.”

“The ones who still think the sun revolves around the earth?”

“Mr. President, with all due respect, there may be leakers in the White House.”

“Let’s be realistic, Karl. The press is totally against us on this. The papers are filled with surveys stating that 60 percent of Americans favor stem cell research. Some papers are even insinuating that Arnold Schwarzenegger is smarter than I am. And how can I fight Nancy Reagan?”

“Don’t worry, Mr. President. I have things under control.”

“You do? Our so-called loyal Congress passed a bill that allows government-funded researchers to work with stem cells from excess embryos at fertility clinics. The ones that would be discarded. If the Senate goes along, I may have to veto my own party.”

“It may not come to that, Mr. President.”

“Karl, I think you inhaled too much loco weed on your last trip to the ranch. Our very conservative Senator Hatch, the one who strongly opposes abortion? He claims he has no problem with stem cell research. There are several other Republican senators against us on this.”

“Mr. President, I admit things look a little bleak right now. But we have just started our new anti-stem cell campaign. It’s really a blockbuster. Those pagan scientists and their supporters will never survive this.”

“Tell me, Karl. I’m all ears.”

“Uh, not a good expression, Mr. President. The political cartoonists are already having a field day with your ears.”

“The campaign, Karl. The campaign.”

“Well, Mr. President, the bottom line is that we are going to compare stem cell research with eugenics. And then we are going to show how eugenics led to forced sterilizations in Nazi German.”

“Eugenics? I thought we sicced John Ashcroft and the Justice Department on all those doctors practicing eugenics in Oregon.”

“No, Mr. President, that was euthanasia, not eugenics.”

“Sounds the same to me. Now that you mention it, there are times when I wouldn’t mind forcibly sterilizing a few Democrats. I won’t name them but they rhyme with ‘remedy’ and ‘badminton.’”

“Anyway, Mr. President, once the public gets convinced that stem cell research could lead to forcible sterilization, we’ll have those wavering senators and congressmen right back in our hip pockets again.”

“Great, Karl. You’re a lulu.”

“Careful, Mr. President. I wouldn’t use the word ‘lulu’ anymore. The media claims President Lulu of Argentina is up to his ears in corruption.”

“He is? Anyway, Karl, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”

“Karl, do you remember Charles Colson? In the Nixon White House?”

“The one who said, “If you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow’?”

“That’s the very one. Karl, you remind me of Colson.”

“Thank you, Mr. President.”