| Osama: |
We are behind schedule for our attack on the White House.
|
| Noos: |
Yes, Mighty One. Allah be praised, but the Americans have gotten much smarter. Their accursed airport screening prevents us from bringing weapons on board their planes. |
| Osama: |
We must move, Noos. I am dying in this hideous cave. I haven't seen the sun in months. My skin cannot create any vitamin D. My doctor says I may shrivel up with rickets. |
| Noos: |
I am sure Allah knows how you suffer, Great One. But we have come up with something new that... |
| Osama: |
Not that stupid plan of attacking Tallahassee and announcing that we have killed Bush. |
| Noos: |
Oh, no, sir. Aljazeera would recognize the difference in ear size. But Allah be praised, the United States Department of Transportation has given us a new weapon for U.S. planes. Even Arab women could do it. |
| Osama: |
Women? Women? You expect women to smuggle weapons on planes by hiding them under their burkhahs? |
| Noos: |
Oh no, Mighty Leader. No burkhahs. Our al-Qaeda women must dress like western women. Even in miniskirts, if necessary. |
| Osama: |
Miniskirts? Are you insane? Have you forgotten why the ancients insisted on burkhahs? |
| Noos: |
Oh no, O Wise and All-Seeing Leader. Arab men have learned much discipline since the days of the ancients. But our terrorist women must look western and innocent. |
| Osama: |
According to Muslim law, a woman cannot look innocent and expose her body. That is the law! |
| Noos: |
But these women will look innocent to the Western infidels. |
| Osama: |
Good point, Noos. Well? Well? Out with the plan. What weapons shall we use to capture their planes and smash them into Washington? |
| Noos: |
Not knives, guns or bombs, Powerful One. Animals. |
| Osama: |
Animals? Animals? Allah, protect us from this madman! |
| Noos: |
The U.S. Department of Transportation, Allah be praised, has issued regulations allowing passengers who are emotionally distressed to bring their pets aboard airplanes to provide their owners with emotional support. |
| Osama: |
Are you going to dress the pet poodles in miniskirts, too? |
| Noos: |
You jest, Mighty One. There will be no pet miniskirts and no poodles. |
| Osama: |
Noos, my dear and loyal friend, are you suggesting that we should attack the plane with camels? |
| Noos: |
No, O Great One. We will use a trained chimpanzee, a baby gorilla, a pit bull and a billy goat, all emotional support service animals for our four women terrorists. |
| Osama: |
Noos, you have gone mad. The airlines would never allow this. |
| Noos: |
But they would, sir. The Department of Transportation says they have to allow it -- or face heavy fines. |
| Osama: |
Noos, I find all this hard to believe. |
| Noos: |
I know it is strange, O Mighty One, but this is already happening. American women have brought 200-pound dogs and even a chimpanzee on U.S. flights. There have even been two reported cases of emotional support service goats being accommodated in the cabins by the airlines. |
| Osama: |
This is unbelievable. Have the American bureaucrats gone mad? |
| Noos: |
Possibly, Omnipotent One. But women are now barging into restaurants with their pets now that Transportation has opened the doors. |
| Osama: |
Never mind restaurants. How do these pets take over an airplane? |
| Noos: |
It's very clever, O Great One. We will raise the animals from the time they are born. Our terrorist women will be nice and gentle with them and feed them. But the animals' painful shots will be administered by men and women dressed in American Airlines uniforms. After six months of shots, the animals will come to fear and hate anyone in an American Airlines uniform. |
| Osama: |
Brilliant! Wonderful, Noos. But, I have one doubt.... |
| Noos: |
Yes, O Powerful One? |
| Osama: |
Won't the terrorist animals attack the plane crew before they have a chance to take off? |
| Noos: |
Good point, Great One. We shall blindfold the animals and keep them sightless until the airplane reaches its cruising speed and altitude. Then we turn the animals loose and the crew will be butted, hugged, banged and bitten to pieces. |
| Osama: |
It's too delicious, Noos. We must film it for Aljazeera. |
| Noos: |
We may then proceed, Great One? |
| Osama: |
There is one thing, Noos. |
| Noos: |
Yes, Oh Mighty One? |
| Osama: |
I want to approve the candidates who will wear the miniskirts. |
| Noos: |
Of course, All-Powerful One. |
| Osama: |
And, one at a time, Noos. |
| Noos: |
It shall be as you direct, Great One. |
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