WHO ATE MOUSE MAN'S CHEESE?

Scientists have discovered that they can implant human stem cells into a mouse's brain. The stem cells will take hold, grow, and allow science to study genetic influence on major diseases like cancer, multiple sclerosis and the like. It sounds like a good idea, like a strategy which could only benefit mankind.

But what if some modern Dr. Frankenstein decided to reverse the process? What if he decided to implant the stem cells of a mouse into a human brain? What might the results be?

For one thing, "mouse man" might develop an insatiable desire for cheese. His grocery store would be constantly running out of cheese, which would solve Kraft's slow growth problems. And if his wife mistakenly moved his cheese or ate some, might there be a rage-induced murder in the neighborhood?

Because mice copulate almost constantly, "mouse man" might become a dreaded serial sex offender. In his neighborhood, nobody's wife would be safe. Of course, if all this mouse-into-human brain cell stuff took place in France, it could solve that nation's slow population growth problems.

Mouse men and mouse women would become so prolific that the young working population would soon dwarf the aging population once more, solving the nation's long-term Social Security and Medicare problems without requiring fearful politicians in Washington to do anything. If the Bush administration realized this, would it reverse its stand against stem cell research?

Implanting mouse cells into the brains of New Yorkers might have a beneficial effect on traffic. New Yorkers with mouse-influenced brains would tend to fear the outdoors and feel more comfortable hanging around in subways. As real estate values plunged on Fifth Avenue, Sak's would be compelled to open a store in the Lexington Line tunnel.

In pro football, Green Bay would have to dome its stadium, its players fearing that giant cats might attack them by leaping into the uncovered field. The tradition of teams dashing out of the tunnel unto the field at the start of the game would be ruined because players would prefer to cower in the tunnels. Coaches caught on TV trying to push their trembling teams out onto the field would make for bad publicity, destroying the macho image of the sport.

In New Jersey, the bear population would thrive because mouse-brained hunters would be afraid to confront something as big and powerful as a black bear, even if armed with a rocket launcher.

In Cleveland, a hawk flying over the Public Square would cause widespread panic, with people desperately trying to flee into the abandoned Higbees Department Store building.

In Naples, Florida, nobody would attend the famed Fifth Avenue art fairs, forcing the local artists onto welfare. In nearby Fort Myers, the annual "Festival of Lights" would be abandoned because its mouse-brained citizens would now feel more comfortable in the dark.

Pittsburgh movie theaters would thrive as people sought the protectiveness of dark, cozy caverns. Teenagers would resume the 1950s practice of petting and copping feels, soon solving the city's low birth rate problem.

Corporations would abandon their airy, bright, glass and steel headquarters buildings because mouse-brained executives would now prefer old, dark cement buildings with small windows. Decrepit mill towns in New England would thrive, as abandoned textile and shoe factories provide a perfect atmosphere for those fearing bright surroundings.

The nation's forty million cats would suddenly diminish in number because mouse woman would be too fearful to harbor the mouse's natural predator. Dogs, especially breeds known as "mousers," wouldn't last long either.

Of course, some scientists might go even further, beyond mice and all the way to squirrels. Would squirrel man have an overwhelming desire to ignore the leaves in the yard while tearing up his lawn to bury acorns all over the place? Would this carry over into money, making squirrel man a saver instead of a spender, driving Wal-Mart into bankruptcy? Would he drive the telephone companies crazy by climbing poles and chewing on wires? Would this drive the trend to wireless communications even faster?

And suppose some ambitious Dr. Frankenstein decided to implant a lion's stem cells into man. Would "lion man" bring back polygamy in his desire to create the human equivalent of the "pride"? Would mugging become more ferocious?

And what if an elephant's stem cells were ......?

Oh, well. You get it. Scientists may be brilliant in the laboratory, but will they understand the vagaries of human nature? Or the law of unintended consequences?