THE ARRAIGNMENT OF JIMMY CARTER

At the county courthouse in Peanutville, Georgia, former President Jimmy Carter has been brought before the judge.

"Mr. Prosecutor?"

"Your Honor, Mr. Carter has been charged with multiple violations of Peanutville’s recently passed Marquis de Queensberry laws, which prohibit persons from committing violent actions against others unless those actions fall strictly within the Marquis de Queensberry boxing rules."

"How do you plead, Mr. Carter?"

"Not guilty, Your Honor. I was attacked by a mad Republican."

"You were attacked?"

"Yes, Your Honor. I was mugged from behind and thrown against a wall. The mugger tore my pants trying to get my wallet out. He then struck me several times with brass knuckles. I had to get 27 stitches at the hospital."

"Mr. Prosecutor?"

"All that may well be true, Your Honor. But Mr. Carter retaliated against his alleged attacker by scratching, biting and kicking him. He gave the poor man several severe injuries. I understand that a civil suit is pending against Mr. Carter for his actions."

"But wasn’t Mr. Carter just defending himself?"

"Yes, Your Honor. But the Marquis de Queensberry boxing laws strictly prohibit scratching, biting, kicking, gouging, kneeing, rabbit punching and hitting below the belt. Mr. Carter is being charged with violating three of those laws. If Mr. Carter wanted to defend himself, he had ready recourse to using hooks, jabs, uppercuts and round house swings."

"Mr. Carter, do you have any response to this?"

"Yes, Your Honor. The Marquis of Queensberry laws give muggers and criminals an unfair advantage against decent, tax-paying citizens."

"How is it unfair, Mr. Carter?"

"Your Honor, the criminals don’t obey the law. They use knives, black jacks, guns and box cutters. Yet the law restricts decent citizens from retaliating in kind."

"Mr. Prosecutor, your reply?"

"Your Honor, Mr. Carter has taken a public position stating that decent citizens cannot use criminal tactics in defending themselves because they would sink to the low level of the criminals."

"Mr. Carter?"

"Your Honor, I was talking about interrogating terrorists. I wasn’t referring to muggers and criminals."

"Mr. Prosecutor?"

"Mr. Carter has accused the Bush administration of alienating the United States from its allies by using harsh interrogating methods against terrorists who torture, kill and mutilate American soldiers. He says we should not be allowed to violate the Geneva conventions when interrogating terrorists who, themselves, are not bound by Geneva."

"Mr. Carter?"

"Your Honor, that’s different. Terrorists are not muggers."

"Sounds pretty much the same to me, Mr. Carter. What penalty are you suggesting, Mr. Prosecutor?"

"Thirty days or thirty bushels of peanuts, Your Honor."

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