LONG LIFE THROUGH CELL DIVISION

The scene is after-school detention at Florida Park Elementary School. Ms. Vegan is seated behind a large desk, frowning at Nimrod Akers, who is standing forlornly in front of her.

“Nimrod, you have been acting out in class again.”

“Gee, Ms. Vegan, I just couldn't seem to help myself today.”

“Help yourself? Sarah was very upset. Why were you chewing on her pigtail?”

“I dunno. I just had this terrible urge to eat somethin'.”

“This urge to put strange things in you mouth is occurring more and more frequently. The day before yesterday, I caught you down on the floor, gnawing on a table leg.”

“Sometimes I just can't help myself. I get so hungry and ......”

“Hungry? You're so hungry you chew people's hair and gnaw on table legs?”

“Only every other day, Ms. Vegan.”

“You're telling me that you're only hungry every other day, Nimrod?”

“Yes'm, only every other day.”

“Nimrod, I simply do not understand why you are so hungry every other day and not every day.”

“My father says it's because I'm not very smart in school and I'm not good at sports.”

“He's starving you over your grades and football skills?”

“He just wants me to be the champion of something.”

“And what does he want you to be the champion of?” Ms. Vegan demanded, clenching and unclenching her hands.

“He says he's gonna make me the longest-living person born in 1998.”

“Nimrod, are you sure you're not making this all up?”

“No, Ms. Vegan, my father read about these new experiments in low-calorie diets that make all kinds of animals live longer. Dogs and cats. Even chickens.”

“Nimrod, this is preposterous.”

“No, Ms. Vegan. My father has read all kinds of studies going back to the Great Depression that show that cutting calories in half can make all kinds of animals like dogs and cats live 30 to 70 percent longer. Even worms.”

“Nimrod, you are not a worm.” Ms. Vegan said sternly.

“No, ma'am, but there's this new study that shows that you can reduce someone's calories just a little if you let them eat all they want one day and fast the next. That's what I am doing.”

“Eating all you want one day and starving the next?”

“Yes, my father says this will make me the world champion of living, which is better than being the world champion baseball player or golfer or something like that.”

“Why are you required to act like a glutton one day and starve the next?”

“My dad says it's because our genes made us accustomed to finding food only every now and then. So cavemen ate like pigs one day and starved the next.”

“Nimrod, the days you eat hair and gnaw on table legs are the days you're fasting?”

“Yes, but it's worth it. If I keep it up and become the champion of living, I will really be popular.”

“Nimrod, has this experiment been conducted on people?”

“No, just on mice, but the researchers feel it will work on people, too.”

“Why would anyone in their right mind equate mice with humans?”

“My father says that it has to do with division...”

“Long division?”

“No, Ms. Vegan, cell division. If your cells get less food, they divide slower and you age slower. And things like cancer cells can't grow as fast. He says it's very scientific.”

“Your father seems to be a very unusual man, Nimrod.”

“Yes'm, he's really something, all right.”

“Nimrod, I'm curious about your mother's role in all this.”

“My mother's role?”

“Yes, what does your mother say about all this living and dieting?”

“Uh, she just goes around the house muttering, ‘This too shall pass.'“