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You may have seen the news item in USA Today:
A 65-year-old man portraying Santa Claus at the Danbury Fair Mall in Connecticut said a woman groped him. "The security officer at the mall said 'Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted,'" police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said. The man portraying Santa was not identified. Sandrama Lamy, 33, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace. She was released on a promise to appear in Court on Jan. 3.
To me this was a shocking event.
Feeling up Santa in front of a lot of little kiddies! "What is the world coming to?" I wondered. When I discussed this over coffee with my friend Lem, a sixty-something pudgy guy, I was shocked to find that he thought the woman was a hero.
How could he think this?
He explained things this way:
"I am a sixty-six-year old fat man who hates to look at himself in the mirror in the morning. Or in the afternoon, for that matter. I am all maximus glutamus with a bald head thinly veiled by a skillful back comber. I don't see an ounce of sex appeal in that mirror.
"It's even worse when I turn on the TV or read a newspaper and see all these desirable women fawning over Tom Cruise or some other hunky heartthrob. It makes me feel even older, fatter and balder.
"But now this young woman comes along and gropes a guy who is even older, fatter and less sexy than I am. This is heartwarming. This is awe-inspiring. This is hope-giving.
"This morning I looked in the mirror and, instead of comparing myself with Tom Cruise, I thought of myself compared with that Santa Claus. And I think I looked pretty good. Pretty competitive.
"With singing heart, I got all gussied up and went down to the diner and asked Mabel out on a date. You know, that fortyish blonde with the turned-up nose? Well, surprise of all surprises, she agreed to go to the Westport Playhouse with me.
"Man, I am flying. And it's all due to that wonderful young woman who got arrested for groping Santa."
The last I saw of Lem he was bouncing out the door. I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight:
"I'm going to see if I can't get myself into her jury pool."
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