PLUTO THE DUFO

Scientists have downgraded the Planet Pluto. Poor old Pluto. Now all Pluto can claim to be is a "dwarf planet."

Pluto can no longer in a class with masculine Mars or beautiful Venus. No, it can no longer even keep company with soggy old Neptune.

The scientists have their mysterious explanations for Pluto's demotion, but I think it has to do with the name Pluto being cursed. Nothing called Pluto ever seems to succeed.

Even the mighty Walt Disney failed to make a star out of his dog named "Pluto." Which seems mighty strange when you consider that Mr. Disney made a multi-billion dollar empire out of a mere rodent. If Mickey Mouse could become more powerful and far more powerful than Rin Tin Tin or Lassie, you would certainly expect that Disney could do as much for a far more socially acceptable species like dog.

Remember that Walt Disney was a genius. Who else could have turned a hated rodent into a hero? Mice chewed holes in carpets and carved gothic doors through baseboards in the 1930s. They frightened women into jumping on sofas faster than Tom Cruise. The hated mouse could discombobulate elephants performing at the circus. Disney perpetuated the hateful qualities of the mouse when he had one scare all the female elephants into jumping on their stools during his film Dumbo.

If Disney could make a popular hero out of a mouse, why couldn't he make a hero out of something as lovable as a dog?

It wasn't as if Mickey Mouse was a lucky fluke. Disney went on to make an incredible success of a bad-tempered duck who constantly cussed and swore on the big screen right in front of the censors. (He did his cussing in duck language, but we all knew what he was really saying.)

If Disney could make a hero out of a foul-mouthed duck named Donald, why couldn't he make a star out of Pluto?

I believe the name "Pluto" is cursed.

Consider how this poor dog blundered all over the big movie screen. In Private Pluto, our hero dog is responsible for capturing saboteurs who are messing with his post's cannons. He marches about searching for the saboteurs, who are presumed to be big, powerful adversaries. Instead, poor Pluto discovers that a couple of clever squirrels are using the cannons to crack nuts. How can poor Pluto become a heroic figure when his adversaries turn out to be little squirrels? Would St. George have become a hero if he had slain a dragonfly?

In The Mad Doctor, Pluto is spirited away to a spooky house where the villain is going to transplant Pluto's head onto a live chicken. Poor Pluto has to be rescued by Mickey Mouse. Pluto as victim cannot become Pluto as hero.

In Putt Putt Troubles, Pluto is pulling Donald in his little motorboat when our hero becomes distracted by a frog, letting the boat run away from him, which leads to all kinds of other problems. It is difficult to make a star out of a doofus who can't even tow a little boat.

In Canine Patrol, Pluto is supposed to protect a military waterway from being invaded by a newly hatched baby turtle who's trying to sneak into the forbidden waters. Pluto chases the baby turtle and falls into quicksand, requiring him to be rescued by the little turtle. Heroes don't get rescued by baby turtles.

Well, there you have it. The "Pluto Curse."

A dog was a hero, even man's best friend, until one got called Pluto.

Planets were heavenly bodies, revered by astronomers, astrologers and lay people alike, until one got named Pluto.

(click here for a printable version of this article)