"Oh why, oh why, is the world putting up such obstacles against me?
"First there was that vast right-wing conspiracy out to destroy me. All those rich fascists willing 
to throw millions of dollars at any candidate who opposed me. They tried that in my New York Senate race, but I showed them. I knocked the socks off that dumb Republican who dared to run against me.
"But I don't forget. Just wait 'til I'm President. I'm going to tax those rich capitalists right out of their embroidered jockey shorts. And then I'm going to propose legislation that helps my trial lawyer buddies to stick it to them.
"And what in hell is my loyal left doing to me?
"Those ungrateful leftists spring that silly kid, Barack Obama, on me! He's so wet behind the ears, he ought to campaign with a towel around his neck. He wasn't even in the Senate when he said he was against the war. That doesn't take any courage. Any garbage collector could have said he was against the war without hurting his career. Now Obama's parading around, bragging about his war stance and making me look like a hypocrite for voting for the war before I voted against it.
"I hate this Obama's youth and energy. He's making me look like an old lady. Why, only yesterday the press was referring to me as a rock star. The photographers always showed me to best advantage. Now the media are running pictures of me which emphasize my baggy eyes and sagging cheeks. Thee are some pictures which even make me look old, angry and ugly. And it's all because of this ridiculous fascination with Obama and youth.
"It isn't enough to have to put up with the Republicans and Obama ... now there's this damn Anna Nicole Smith, hogging all the headlines and all the TV time. She died weeks ago and she's still hogging the news. I can't even get close to page 1 anymore. Everything is Anna Nicole this and Anna Nicole that.
"What's wrong with America? All this Anna Nicole had was big boobs, dyed blonde hair, a big smile and a sensational legal case about millions of dollars. She didn't have brains like me. Oh dear. Look at me in the mirror! Why was I given small boobs and a big behind? Why could this Anna Nicole dress so fashionably, while I'm stuck in black pantsuits which hide the size of my butt? How can I look glamorous dressed in funeral suits? Why did the campaign have to start so early? There isn't even time for a quickie face lift!
"How can I fight the Republicans, Obama, Anna Nicole and sagging cheeks all at the same time?
"And where the hell is Bill when I need him?"
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