AN EMERGENCY CALL TO THE PRESIDENT

"Hello, Mr. President. This is John Cruikshanks from State. What's that? What state? No 'state,' Mr. President. I am calling from the State Department. Yes, sir. Your State Department.

"No, Condi isn't here now. The Vice President sent her to the Middle East. What's that? He didn't tell you about it?

"Yes, sir, you can put me on speaker. Hello, Mr. Vice President.

"What's on my mind? We have an emergency situation with the illegal immigration situation and ... What's the emergency? No, Mr. Vice President, they aren't flooding into the country.

"As a matter of fact, sirs, the opposite is happening. Illegal Mexicans are flooding out of the country. Everyone is heading south. Our immigrant shelters are bursting with illegals heading back to Mexico.

"No, Mr. Vice President, I am not out of my mind. Just look at the statistics. Last month remittances from illegals to Mexico dropped 28 percent! That's because they're going home.

"What's that, Mr. President? What are 'remittances'? Those are the moneys saved by Mexican workers which are sent home to help their families, who are living in poverty.

"Yes, Mr. Vice President, that's a big-time change, indeed. Well, no, Mr. Vice President, the Administration can't take all the credit for it. Yes, we did beef up border security and, yes, we did build a wall or two. But there are other factors. In fact, in the view of the State Department, more important factors.

"What the hell am I talking about, Mr. Vice President? The more important factor is the growth of the Mexican economy. The Mexican middle class is growing in leaps and bounds. And the poverty class is evolving into a new lower middle class, which can make $7,000 a year and .... 'What has that got to do with anything?'

"Well, Mr. Vice President, $7,000 is about all an illegal farm worker can make in the U.S. If he can make the same money in Mexico, why should he come to the United States?

"Yes, Mr. Vice President, it does make sense. Mexico has really improved its tax laws to encourage business and employment and it's working. The two most productive economies in Latin America belong to Brazil and Mexico and ....

"What's that, Mr. President? Well, it means that we don't need to keep building cement and steel walls since Mexico seems to be building a more effective wall out of pesos and employment opportunities.

"Well, no, Mr. President, people won't steal a wall made out of pesos. That was just a figure of speech. I'm sorry, sir. Yes, I realize that Condi never uses figures of speech. Yes, I know she's a straight talker. Yes, she's probably more .... What's that, Mr. Vice President? You said something about spinning this?

"No, Mr. President, we cannot send our report to Karl Rove. He's left the government.

"Yes, sir, l realize it was a great loss for the country. I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President, what? You don't want us to release the report? You want to edit it so that it properly reflects the Administration's contribution to this new success? You want to give a thousand percent of the credit to your beefing up of the border patrol?

"But, sir, I don't think even the conservative press would buy that. The Wall Street Journal and Investors Business Daily and all the rest would want to credit capitalism and use it as an argument against foreign aid.

"Well, sirs, yes, um, I'm sure that the Rush Limbaughs of the world would go along. Yes, sir, Mr. Vice President, I'ill send the report right over.

"What's that? Oh. You hung up."

(click here for a printable version of this article)