Posted 11/25/2009

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! EAT HAM

My name is E. Thomas Turkey and I would like to discuss your Thanksgiving festivities from the turkey's point of view.

Once upon a time, America had great respect for us turkeys. Unlike those fat Butterballs you have now, we could run with great speed and fly up into the trees to escape marauding wolves and bobcats. We could even hop from branch to branch, dodging the lethal arrows of the local Indian tribes.

But the darn immigrants came along with their muskets and began popping us out of our tree sanctuaries. November was particularly bad because all the leaves had fallen, leaving us very exposed. You humans can understand why we turkeys do not celebrate Thanksgiving with much enthusiasm.

Still, because of our courage and elusiveness, a great man who had stood in a rainstorm flying a kite to capture lightning and electricity paid us great honor. Benjamin Franklin recommended that the wild turkey be declared the national symbol. But that silly George Washington clacked his wooden teeth and demanded the honor go to the bald eagle. Mr. Washington was a great general and a great president, but he surely was a poor bird picker. Why in the world would anyone pick a bald anything to be the national symbol?

I understand that someone even named a foreign country in our honor. When I Googled the word "Turkey," I found it was located in the Middle East. And do they have some good looking chicks there! That Miss Turkey Contest really got my tail feathers up. Some of us are exploring the sending of a delegation to Ankara to see if the government of Turkey will adopt us as their national symbol. My wife is even practicing belly dancing for the event.

But her beak keeps poking a hole in the veil.

President George W. Bush may have a terrible approval rating among the human voters out there, but he rates mighty high with us turkeys. Every year of his presidency he has pardoned a turkey so the noble bird could live out a fruitful and productive life.

I wish President Bush had seen Nathan Lane on Broadway in the play November. Facing reelection with poor approval ratings, "President" Lane pardoned two turkeys. Of course he demanded that the United States Turkey Association double their campaign contributions. (We have high hopes for President Obama since he really knows how to raise money. Why, he might even pardon a whole flock of turkeys.)

We turkeys are really honored that a distiller has had the good judgment as to name a great whiskey in our honor. If you want to liven up your relatives this Thanksgiving, make sure you pour them all some Wild Turkey, which I think is the world's greatest sippin' whiskey.

You should also serve Wild Turkey at Christmas when all the relatives get tense and upset with each other over the presents. Two jiggers of Wild Turkey and even a lump of coal in the stocking will look good. As a matter of fact, it would be a good idea to stop roasting fat turkeys and start drinking Wild Turkey instead. It would really save on the calories.

After you've had a glass or two of Wild Turkey, you can really elevate the festivities by inviting a square dance caller in and have him lead you in a great rendition of Turkey in the Straw. It's a really lively southern number which will really get your pulse moving. A combination of Wild Turkey and Turkey in the Straw will even get the kids away from their iPods and the husbands away from the TV and the silly pro football game played on Thanksgiving.

We turkeys feel very honored to have such a wonderful piece of music written in our honor. Of course, we wild ones spend more time in the weeds than in the straw.

Well, I have kept you away from your loved ones long enough.

Just remember. Wild Turkey and Turkey in the Straw.

And for goodness' sake..... EAT HAM!

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