A THOUSAND AND ONE DIETS

Harrison P. Hokum, CEO of Hokum Publishing, is having lunch with romantic fiction writer, Penny Pandora.

“Harrison, I am so glad you called me. I have a great new idea for a killer romance novel and.....”

“Penny, the last killer romance novel you pitched me laid a huge egg. A rotten egg that cost us over a hundred thousand in losses.”

“I know, Harrison, and I'm really sorry about that. But my new idea is .....”

“We're not going to publish another romantic novel by you.”

“But, Harrison, darling? Why then are we having lunch?”

“Because I have an idea for your next book.”

“You do? What kind of book?”

“We at Hokum want you to write a diet book.”

“Harrison, have you lost your mind? I write fiction, not diet books.”

“Penny, diet books are really hot now. The ‘Doctor Atkins Diet' has had a run of 17 books and has sold 23 million copies since 1972.”

“Harrison, the Atkins Diet was just a fluke.”

“Fluke, my loss statement. Nothing that makes money for over 30 years can be considered a fluke in our business. Besides, we now have a fortune being made by The South Beach Diet. And there's a new guy out there pitching The Three Hour Diet. He's got a big buzz going and he isn't even a doctor. Just some fat kid who's telling everyone they can reform their bodies, just as he did.”

“But, Harrison, I don't know anything about dieting. I have a naturally slim figure.”

“Penny, you have a beautiful, slim figure, that's why I thought of you. We're going to attribute your slim figure to the new diet you come up with.”

“Harrison, I still don't know anything about dieting and diets.”

“What's to know? All diets are basically the same. They're all about calorie control. You decide to have a diet that amounts to about 1,500 calories a day and every fatty in America who reduces his food intake to that level will lose weight. It's guaranteed. All doctors agree that the only way to lose weight is to lower calories.”

“If there's nothing new, Harrison, old buddy, why does America need a new diet book?”

“That's easy, Penny. The what to do part is easy. The really hard part is how to make it interesting enough to get people to do it. The money in a new diet book is in the ‘how'.”

“The ‘how,' Harrison?

“Sure. The Scarsdale Diet forbade the use of butter and alcohol, both loaded with calories. The Atkins's Diet forbad the use of carbohydrates, which are really fattening. The South Beach Diet allowed some carbs but not as many as you would normally eat. Weight Watchers got you calories down through portion control. And this new Three Hour Diet lets you eat tiny portions every three hours so you don't get ravenously hungry and over eat. But all these diets boil down to the same thing, calorie reduction though portion control.”

“Harrison, let me get this straight. You want me to come up with a new diet and tell everyone that my slim figure is a result of that diet?”

“Penny, I knew you would catch on quickly.”

“Harrison, doesn't this strike you as a shade dishonest?”

“No, Penny. This is all about publishing and book promotion. It's no different than what the cosmetics people do with anti-aging creams.”

“Harrison, I still don't see........”

“Penny, do you remember a 1940s actress named Arlene Dahl?”

“Yes, she had a beautiful complexion.”

“I'll say she did. And do you know how Arlene Dahl got that beautiful skin and maintained her incredibly young-looking skin well into her seventies?”

“Well, I remember she advertised a lot of skin creams and .......”

“Skin creams, my top dollar! Arlene Dahl always wore big, broad-brimmed hats all her life. The sun never touched her face. No cell-damaging rays ever assaulted the delicate face of Arlene Dahl. Hats gave her the beautiful complexion, but attributing her skin to beauty creams made her a fortune.”

“Is that really true, Harrison?”

“Cross my P & L statement and hope to die.”

“How does The Eight Minute Diet sound to you, Harrison?”